I have recently begun dating someone that fits the description of a psychopath. I have discovered that previous psychiatrists have deemed him that. He was raised with a rough, abusive upbringing. Suffering abuse and abandonment from the hands of his mother. He makes no complaints about his treatment from her, he only calls her a “fucked up bitch”. She is currently a bad influence in his life. She takes part in recreational drugs. Most times mixing alcohol with cocaine, speed, pot, hash and you name it she will mix it. It’s a wonder this lady doesn’t over dose. She will encourage him to take part by offering it to him or telling him to take it with him.
When I met him I made it quite clear that I wouldn’t take part in any of it and I wouldn’t allow that around me with the exception of pot occasionally. He quite everything right away even cigarettes. Never complained about it at all just quite cold turkey. I began to notice it was difficult to read him when he was joking. He gets this look about him that does not seem quite right. Within a 2 weeks of dating we began to argue about my not understanding of him when he was joking or not. I could tell he had a bit of a temper, however dismissed it. Thinking he was edgy and what not. a few days later we had an argument over the fact that my sister had put him down at the table and I didn’t stand up for him. She told him what she thought about him and he didn’t like it. You could see the anger welling up inside him. We argued on the way home he said I wasn’t giving the relationship a chance and we ended up working things out so I thought. Things went well for a few days then later he turns to me and says why do you have that bitchy look on your face? What is your problem? Why do you never give us a chance. Things get heated and he takes off in my truck that needs work and is not road worthy or plated. No headlights broken windshield the whole bit he takes off. I’m crying saying please don’t do it in the driveway. He comes back quickly as he realizing it’s too risky. He tells me let’s go for a ride. I’m quite the whole time driving in the car. He can’t drive as he doesn’t have a licence due to a criminal act a few years back. Driving without a licence and crashing the car.
Well when we get home he says you think your funny. I don’t remember what was said but he tells me if you get out of the car I will kill you, with this dark look. I realize he’s not joking, I realize it’s serious. I’ve been there before with a previous relationship. He bangs my head against the window saying you better smarten up and listen. Finally after an hour I’m guessing he says fuck it get out of the car. He gets out and kicks in the fender and door of his side of the car. I start walking toward the road and women’s shelter across the street. He says where the fuck do you think your going? Get in the house! I said no I’m going for a walk I need some air. He demands I get in and when he realizes I’m not going to he start coming for me. I ran to the women’s shelter but before making it in he manages to catch me and persuades me back on to the street. When he’s got me to the middle of the street he tells me didn’t your realize your children are inside? I could go in there right now and slit their throats and if you ever go to the cops I will do just that. He put his hands on my throat and squeezed for a bit. I was scared for them but figured lets see where his head is at. Try to calm him down because now I’m so scared thinking I’ll never get out of this. I couldn’t believe it I had never felt so scared in my life. So helpless. I would have tried anything to calm him so, I said you honestly didn’t think I was going to go in there did you? Didn’t you realize that I slowed right down and looked to see how far you were? Which I had because for some reason I couldn’t go through with it. He laughs and says oh. I say that! I tell him “now your in a better mood aren’t you?…so you care for me huh? Got you worried huh?” We go inside and he says “I don’t trust that you will not go to the cops or something.” “I said what ever”, thinking how am I going to get out of this? He lied down in bed and I lied beside him thinking when he’s asleep we would leave. He gets up saying he’s going to move out. Saying pack my shit. I tell him I’m not packing your stuff. Pack your own. We carry on for a bit and finally he says no will you help me? I say ok.
We pack it what little there is and he piles it in the car and drives off looking for a sign that I want him to stay. I go in and cry a bit but not much. 30 minutes roll by and he’s banging on the door. I go downstairs and sit on the couch thinking he will go away. He keeps banging and banging. He had left I was free now what? He had went to his ex-girlfriend’s place he told me he was moving back in with her. He threatens to bang down the door. I let him in he says,”I’m so stupid I don’t know why I do this I need help. I told you before I needed help. Can you help me?” I said,”hmm I don’t think so. I’ts too complicated for me.” We sit on the couch and he pleads with me to take him back. “I say no under no circumstances, you threatened the lives of my children and choked me, you need help you have to get it on your own.” He turns to me and says, “how many chances have you given your ex’s? Do I not deserve a second chance. I was stupid I know that know.” He kept on and I gave in. Getting him to agree to church and counselling. I truly thought I could get him help. He ends up taking the car for a joy ride a few days later and the transmission breaks shortly after mud bogging. So he decides to rev the car till it burst into flames, He comes running in the house, “Get me some water !”, like it’s my fault. Kicks in the other side of the fender and door. A few days later he smashes the windshield with a fry pan for fun and kicks in my door because we locked it to teach him a lesson. Ya lesson learned by us. He’s stronger than our wooden door. He laughs it off. A few days later I wake up sad. Depression of bills and stuff sets in and I began to cry. Well he gets angry and says why are you being bitchy? I say I’m not I’m just depressed don’t you care. He gets this look about him and comes onto the bed and grabs me by the throat. Saying your life is worthless to you why live. Do you wanna die? He chokes me till I’m flailing and fighting for my life. I manage myself off the bed onto my knees but I can’t get out of his grasp. Seconds before I’m sure I would have passed out he lets go. Says wanna die together. I’m shaking like no tomorrow. He says stop that. Stop it I say. I try hard and can’t. He squeezes my face causing it to bruise a little line above my lip. My cheeks were sore and red but I didn’t say anything. He leaves me a lone and goes out for a walk. 30 minutes later comes back and apologizes saying again I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m sorry. We are cuddling on the bed when this guy shows up saying get your stuff we are going to bring you home. He tells him no I don’t want to I was mistaken I’m good. His ex-girlfriend comes to the door says get your shit I’ve had enough your coming home with me now. He comes upstairs says well I’m going she’s right. I said ok. He tells me he doesn’t know what decision to make, I tell him just go it’s prolly best. He takes speakers down for a cpu. Then comes up for a blanket and something. Barely taking anything. He comes back and I’m crying and he says you want me to stay tell me. I say no it’s your decision. He takes something else and goes downstairs and I really start crying. Why the hell did and do I want this? Guessing because I’m a victim at this point
So he comes back with his shirt ripped and he looks at me wildly and says you better be worth this. I will have no way out now. You better be worth this. He hugs me says he’s sorry and tells me how he’s not sure why he keeps doing this shit and he doesn’t mean to but he can’t control it and what can we do to fix it. Two days later I get this text from his ex-girlfriend once again. Before she had claims she slept with him or she sends him messages of I want you back, stop playing games. His mom had been telling him that I was not for him, that I was too old, dirty and he was going to be poor and in a loveless relationship if he stayed with me. She was upset he is 18 I’m 33. He seemed to say everything I wanted to hear in the beginning and he looks much older. Seemed mature in certain areas. Anyways I read a message he had sent to her explaining he was sorry for what he did on the Tuesday and could she forgive him. He wanted to be with her but somehow I get into his head and he can’t let go. He told her at the end he loved her. I forgot to mention the fight in the yard between her and him. She punched him in the face 2x, ripped his shirt he pushed her off she lost balance hit her head on a wheel barrow and he grabbed a bat and said ill smash your head off if you don’t go home. Anyways she wans’t forgiving him and she told him what she did. When he got up he comes into the shower with that strange look.
I play it real cool and happy. I can tell he is acting strange he feels guilty you can tell. He realizes she sent that stuff when he gets up stairs and goes online. He says where is the your cell phone? I give it to him knowing full well I deleted the message. I wanted to wait to see what he had to say. He says everything is deleted I say ya just a bunch of bs emails and crap like usual. He says where is the one from his ex-girlfriend. He sees a text saying she sent an email and he goes oh ok. I say just a bunch of bs really. Hey do you want to go to the post office. Thinking I will confront him in public and end it finally. At this point I am fed up. He says ok. We go and when we are almost there I spill. He deigns telling the bit about how he loves her and says he was just trying to apologize. I admit that I saw his message and that I can’t believe he lied to me. I tell him it’s over and it’s had enough can we end this amicably. He says no. I won’t be nice. I won’t let go. We check the mail and sit outside on a bench. Still going on and discussing it. I say lets go for a walk thinking to get to the centre of town by the courthouse thinking he’s not going to harm me in broad daylight. He refuses to walk saying no we will talk here. He puts his arms around my shoulders. I just stand stiff. He is trying to calm me down but I’m not giving up or in to him. He squeezes my neck and some guy stops the car and honks the horn. He lets go and give him the finger. I start walking. He pulls my arm a bit to stop me. Saying where do you think your going? I say for a walk come on lets go. He says to me I can smash your head off this truck right now. He puts his arms around me again. I see a cop and I see his eyes look wildly at the cop. This from the guy who has no fear of going to jail. He tires to kiss me I turn my head. At first he thinks it’s a joke. Then he realizes I’m serious. He thinks I am trying to lure him to his ex’s house which is on the corner there. I say as if I haven’t even text her back I didn’t know what to say. Wanted to see if she made it up at first.
Finally when he realizes I’m not going to give in he grabs me by the neck and throws me into the wall taking off for her house. I take off too but just behind some buildings so I see him go in and come back out running and angry 5 mins later. I see him booking it for my house. I decide I will go to the courthouse and then decide to go further to the other side of town to the college and I sat there texting and messaging and talking on the phone to friends trying to calm down and piece things together. I really had only told one person about what had been happening and they only knew about the first time. I was trying to see if it was the drugs or what. I was hoping it would get better. His ex- girlfriend texts me saying he pushed her into a wall and she is calling the cops. I tell her he’s at the house and calling me but I’m not answering. The cops picked him up while he was out looking for me with a friend, who he forced to look for me.
He was picked up and has been in jail since that Thursday. It’s now been over a week and I’ve been to almost every bail hearing except the first one. I was convinced for a while that she had in fact pushed him into the wall. His step mom and I have been agonizing on how to get him out and get him proper help. I think I keep looking at it from my perspective. Like I would have wanted to get help. I feel I can’t abandon him and I want to show him love and support but I have been told that if he comes home they will take away my children and they mean far more to me than he could ever be. Part of me believes he could get better with possibly the help of medication and therapy but I’m not positive he wouldn’t hurt me again. My mother is schizophrenic and she has relapses all the time with her medication. Everyone says walk away but I need help I know it. I realize that after thinking about all the situations I’ve had to type to you. Why is it I forget or repress the bad situations in my life and try to make everything happy and ok?
Response by Dr. Kathie
I would like to address the comments you made about his being 18 and you being 33. If he is acting out this behavior at 18 years of age, just think what he will be doing as he gets older. It gets worse not better as time goes by. I would like to copy your words here and then comment on them: “His step mom and I have been agonizing on how to get him out and get him proper help. I think I keep looking at it from my perspective. Like I would have wanted to get help. I feel I can’t abandon him and I want to show him love and support but I have been told that if he comes home they will take away my children and they mean far more to me than he could ever be.”
Neither his step mom or you are powerful enough to change him. ONLY HE can do that. He has to want help, ask for help, and then follow the directions of the person helping him. Neither one of you can get him help because he doesn’t want help even when he manipulates you by saying he does. Women have this “endless hope” that we can change someone, help someone, make them better, etc. In the sociopathic style we talk about a power triangle. In this triangle is the victim, the perpetrator and the rescuer. You and his step mom are both victim and rescuers interchangeably. He can’t be rescued. He can’t be changed if he is a psychopath. He is what he is. So it is futile to try to change someone who can’t be changed. He is a master manipulator and is manipulating every woman in his life.
Please consider refocusing your efforts on changing yourself so that you don’t get into these types of relationships. Focus on protecting your children. You will have your children taken away if you don’t stop the relationship with someone so dangerous and who threatens to kill. Focus on getting support from a psychologist, a domestic violence support group, a church women’s support group, or anyone who can help you face the reality of your life. You see, you are in need of help for the issues that make you want to stay with this type of man. You deserve a man who is loving, respectful, nonviolent, who treats your children with love and respect and so on.
Part of me believes he could get better with possibly the help of medication and therapy but I’m not positive he wouldn’t hurt me again.
Medication and therapy does not work with psychopaths. Research has shown this to be true. So don’t continue to hope for this.
Everyone says walk away but I need help I know it. I realize that after thinking about all the situations I’ve had to type to you. Why is it I forget or repress the bad situations in my life and try to make everything happy and ok?
Everyone is right. You do need to get away. The sooner the better. No one said it is easy to walk away but in order to save your life and the lives of your children, you MUST. So put a plan together on either moving (since it sounds like he isn’t going to leave you alone where you are) and get as far away as possible along with putting a plan together to get some counseling to look at why you are in this type of relationship. He is not the only one that needs help here and you must be honest and look within to see why you are emotionally bonded to a psychopath. I know you have the courage, strength, and ability to do so. Your children do not deserve to have this type of man in their lives and you don’t either. You can make a difference for change – but only in your life and your children’s. Your power is only over you. Start there and you will become a thriver and so will your children.
I am very worried for your safety. Please take all precautions and be safe. I would report him to the police for any abuse, threats, or incidents of psychopathic behavior. Then get away as fast as you can.