This is a question that comes up frequently in my work.
So, you’ve moved on and blessed your ex’s new relationship. You and the new girlfriend may have never met in person or otherwise. Months go by, and I am guessing the six-month mark is approaching and the new girlfriend is waking up to the fact that there is something very wrong with her relationship. She may not know about sociopaths or people committed to the Sociopathic Style of relating. She’s confused. She needs answers or closure, so she does a little research and finds you online and contacts you.
What is the correct way to respond?
First, you need to set your intention to help and — not further hurt — the person who is making contact. Moreover, you don’t want to hurt yourself with the exchange of information. Do not jump in and share all the negativity and/or get into a “Schadenfreude” mode.
I believe it’s okay to share and, in some ways it’s our duty, to bring some light to someone’s suffering and to help them get confirmation or closure.
Under the aforementioned circumstances, I would do the following:
- I would meditate for guidance and set my good intentions.
- I would respond with empathy because I understand what she is going through.
- I would validate her experiences.
- I would not let what she shares affect me in any way.
- I would steer the conversation in a positive way should she start to tell me things that I do not care to know about; i.e. more of his lies about me.
- I would keep the conversation centered around her and very little on me since I have moved on from that experience.
- I would keep what I share “academic” and based on facts.
- I would not rehash all the negativity.
- If she has a lot of questions, I would help her find the answers for herself, opposed to me offering answers from my own experiences.
- I would focus on the upside on why the person came into our lives and what we can learn from the relationship.
- I would share my “recovery journey” only in bullet points, and the positive things that have happened in my life since he and I parted ways.
- I would watch the clock and give the conversation no more than 30 minutes.
- I would wish her well and remain as we are; meaning not become friends over him or her situation.
- I would keep our correspondence and/or conversation confidential.
I think it’s a bad idea to contact a new partner of an ex, but if the new partner contacts you, I think it’s fine to offer well-intended, helpful guidance. In the sociopathic way of relating, there is a lot of confusion, gaslighting, manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse, betrayal and pathological lying present that makes the “victim” feel crazy. It helps to know that there is someone who cares and understands — who can help one out of the fog without judgment and more drama. Remember to stay in love-based communication and don’t engage in the power triangle.
Don’t let people pull you into their storm; instead, pull them into your PEACE.