Sexual Vampirism: Sex and Entity Attachments

My teacher, a master healer and well-known Saint from India, taught his students that when we exchange bodily fluids, we take on our intimate partner’s karma. This article comes from a slightly different slant but all in all, it is along the same lines. You may or may not agree with any of this information, you may agree with some or all of it. Either way, it’s an interesting read and a message from beyond our limited perception of reality.

Before you give yourself intimately to another person, use discernment, take your time and avoid being pulled by sexual energy.

Original article is posted here: https://veilofreality.com/sexual-vampirism-sex-and-entity-attachments/

Love & Peace,
Marion


A few quotes/excerpts related to the topic of Sexual Vampirism and Entity Attachments:

Introduction

by Bernhard Guenther

To be clear, this topic is not about demonizing sex, fear mongering, or being “prude”, nor shaming  (some people tend to use this information to justify their disgust about “sex” like a religious judgment and shadow-project onto others, re-enforcing the collective shame/guilt programming around sex), but shedding some light on the dark side of sexual bonding on an astral/energetic level that most people are not aware of in our “swipe-left-Tinder” over-sexualized culture and also in some of the “Tantra/Sacred Sex” communities. Sexual energy is very powerful for better or worse and one of the primary control mechanisms of the Hyperdimensional Matrix  for occult hostile forces to feed upon.)

In this day and age, there is more and more talk about “Sacred Sexuality” and “Tantra”. Many of these teachings and workshops do help people to work through their sexual wounds, trauma, shame, and guilt and that is encouraging to see. Education and open discussion about sexuality is very important as part of our healing and awakening journey. However, as I do more research, I’ve noticed that the emphasis in the Neo-Tantra world is often times on reaching powerful orgasms (multi-orgasms), sexual bliss, feeling sexy, having great sex and basically sexual energetics alone with a vague and often over-simplified idea of “love” and “heart connection”.

In the end “sex sells” in whatever form (be it in advertisements to make you buy a product you don’t need or as “spiritual teachings” to promise you sexual bliss and potency). It is important to keep in mind that many of these tantric teachings have become distorted, diluted, and “hijacked” by others to put their spin on things, without considering some deeper aspects of our reality.

As it is the case with most ancient esoteric knowledge and teachings, suppression and distortion is the name of the game by the Matrix Control System over thousands of years; just as what we see today as “Yoga” in the modern world that has become a billion dollar industry, leaving out immense Knowledge of the deeper esoteric teachings of yoga (for there is way more to yoga than the physical asana practice and 101 yoga philosophy you get at a yoga teacher training), so it is with Tantra teachings.

A complete spiritual/esoteric teaching based on Truth will not only show you and teach you “the way out” and the path towards union with the Divine and truly transmute the sexual center (not just emotional/heart-centered/sexual relating to a partner) but also the traps and pit-falls from a non-physical perspective, beyond psychology or social/cultural wounding and programming, i.e the hidden (occult) forces that can influence our sexual desires we may mistake as our “own”.

Leaving out the “dark side of sexuality” from this astral perspective can result in normalizing all kinds of sexual behaviors that resemble more predatory influenced desires mistaken as “healthy sexual feelings” or is seen as “sacred sex”. This happens a lot in Tantra communities, polyamory circles and so-called “conscious festivals”, where people often feed off of the attention of the other sex or engage in sexual feeding, justifying “sex addiction” through spiritual terms, when in fact “something else” is working through them.

But this is tricky territory, for any “Sex Educator” or “Tantric Teacher” who would bring awareness to this topic could be blamed as a “fear monger”, judged as a “crazy person” and it would most likely not help him/her to become more popular, especially if said person is very identified with his/her career and public image as a teacher (the trap of self-importance) and money-driven.

Distortion of sexual energy is one of the prime control mechanisms of the Matrix and its hyperdimensional architects. It should be no surprise then, that tantric sexual teachings have also been corrupted (or rather fragmented, leaving out a lot) to vector the seeker astray and away from the true power of our sexuality when expressed in union with the Divine.

It’s really a matter of integrity and truth, not shying away from anything that may sound “disturbing”, but to educate oneself about it and bring it to light, for that is what “being conscious” implies, especially when attempting to teach others about conscious sex and sexuality. It also requires vulnerability, humility and radical honesty with oneself. We are all works in progress and the learning never stops. Conscience, Truth (whatever it may turn out to be) and Aspiration to the Divine are the main ingredients for the sincere seeker, student and teacher alike who wishes to awaken and help others to awaken as well. So, here some quotes from various sources relating to this topic:

“The openness and surrender during sexual intercourse can allow the exchange of attached entities between two people. The thoughts, desires, and behaviors of an attached entity are experienced as the person’s own thoughts, desires, and behaviors. The thoughts, feelings, habits, and desires do not seem foreign if they have been present for a long time, even from childhood. This is a major factor in the widespread denial of the concept and lack of acceptance of the phenomena of discarnate interference and spirit attachment, obsession or possession.”

– Dr. William Baldwin, Spirit Releasement Therapy

“Pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise.

The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life.”

– Lisa Chase Patterson

“There is always a drawing of [occult] vital forces from one to another in all human social mixture that takes place automatically. Sex is one of the most powerful ways of each drawing upon the other’s vital force, or of one drawing the other’s, which also often happens in a one-sided way to the great detriment of the “other”. In the passage come many things good and bad, elation, feeling of strength and support, infiltration of good or bad qualities, interchange of psychological moods, states, and movements, depressions, exhaustion – the whole gamut. People don’t know it – which is a mercy of God upon them – but when one gets into a certain yogic consciousness, one becomes very much aware and sensitive to all this interchange and action and reaction, but also one can build a wall against, reject etc.

People who have desires add to the mental formation a kind of small envelope, a vital shell which gives it a still greater reality. These people are usually surrounded by a number of tiny entities which are their own formations, their own mental formations clothed with vital force, which come all the time to strike them to try to make them realize materially the formations they have made.

You have perhaps read the books of Maurice Magre. He describes this; he had come here, Maurice Magre, and we spoke and he told me that he had always noticed – he was highly sensitive – he had always noticed that people who have [excessive/pathological] sexual desires are surrounded by a kind of small swarm of entities who are somewhat viscous and rather ugly and which torment them constantly, awakening desire in them.

He said he had seen this around certain people. It was like being surrounded by a swarm of mosquitoes, yes! But it is grosser and much uglier still, and it is vicious, it is horrible, and it turns round and round the person and gives him no peace, and it awakens in him the desire that has formed these entities and they batten on it. It is their food. This is absolutely true. His observation was quite correct. His vision was very true. It is like that. The sex-vampire eats up the other’s vital and gives nothing or very little.”

– from “The Hidden Forces of Life (Integral Yoga) – Selections from the works of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother“

“Vast beings, living for thousands of years in your terms, make their living ruling and parenting you, seeking their value from you because you have considered yourselves valueless and purposeless. Those who would rule you on the physical and multidimensional planes understand the power of your genitals to create life, pleasure, pain, and death. They use your genitals as doorways without you even realizing it.

You are re-gridding Earth and changing the frequency so that one-by-one lights go on and fields of energy are established. You must learn how to stop feeding those vampires who suck your energies, from the astral planes, from the dimensions, and from on and under the Earth herself. Your sexuality and how it is used are the key elements.

It is in this very deep part of your regenerative self, your sexual organs, the core of your being, that many of the main problems lie, problems so dark, so secret that no one would dare speak of them. Yet they must be revealed. To relinquish power over your sexual organs is truly to abdicate the power of living.

By power we mean a sense of connectedness and accountability, the maturity to know when to express yourself sexually and when not to…..First, you must make peace with the sexual organs of your being because it is here that life springs forth….And most of all, seek to understand the power of your sexuality, to infuse its expression only with love, for sex without love is truly not worth experiencing.

Within the sexual frequency, you exchange with one another. So if you are bonding yourself and chemically exchanging with a person who is not of your likeness, you are taking on their garbage because you are exchanging energy quite intimately. Even if you don’t want to be with this person, the sexual experience stays with you because you have had an electromagnetic exchange.”

– Barbara Marciniak, Bringers of the Dawn/Family of Light

“In several of the cases, individuals reported feeling that their partner was some kind of conduit or host being overshadowed or temporarily possessed by another spirit.

In the case of Wiz and Koral, Wiz experienced a twisting, contorting knot in his solar plexus area after having sex with Koral. As the relationship progressed, he became confused, exhausted, and depressed. Even after he and Koral broke up, Wiz continued to experience paranormal activity and unusual dreams, as if a dark force followed him around, sucking his energy. He reported this to me years after the relationship ended, and could feel a distinct energy-draining sensation between his shoulder blades as if an entity had become attached to the back of his heart chakra area. This often happened in conjunction with sexual “astral attacks” in which he believed his sexual energy was being siphoned by predatory inter dimensional entities.

What could be happening with the Dark Side of Cupid is an indirect form of psychic feeding. One partner tends to have the greater psychic vampire features, but instead of being direct, consciously feeding vampire, the partner is used as a sort of portal for an interdimensional, parasitic entity. The Dark Cupid is accessing the two lovers’ energy through some kind of mediated energy transfer. The question may then be, “Is Cupid, or whoever is behind this mask, a psychic vampire?”

One of the disconcerting issues that Dixon brought up with deep psychic feeding or communion with a vampire is the permanent psychic link that will be maintained with the donor or unwitting partner. This powerful connection is often felt as true love for the one being fed upon. For the vampire, the partner may be nothing more than an energy fix or addiction. This may result in unrequited love for the unfortunate ones caught in the nest of psychic feeders, as unintentional as it may be. A hazardous by-product of psychic vampire sexual feeding is a powerful connection which feels like one’s true love or soul mate. Hence, the counterfeit soul-mate connection.

Sexual chemistry and sexual intercourse itself is also a preferred method of creating a powerful link for psychic feeding. It is very important to not participate in the normalization of sexual behaviors that are not based on mutual respect and deep reverence.

This may sound prudish but I do think human sexuality is powerful and threatening to the dark forces and they use normalizing sexual deviance and loose sexual behaviors to destroy people and to prevent the true spiritual potential of human sexually from being realized and enjoyed. There is no comparison when sacred sexuality is honored, realized and or known. Lower forms of sexuality are then obviously repulsive, low and degrading to every person involved.

Having the good sense to set appropriate boundaries, finding and addressing our blind spots and past traumas that create unconscious reactions and developing the capacity for highly evolved skills of discernment is of extraordinary importance. If we have not addressed our own blind spots and unconscious triggers or do not have a clear sense of what is really going on, this can be one of the easiest ways that narcissists and entities can use to take and misuse our energy.”

– Eve Lorgen, The Dark Side of Cupid

“Our DNA distortion [via genetic manipulation/interference by reptilian hyperdimensional hostile forces] is the reason behind pornography in the world today. This artificial and genetically enhanced mechanism stimulates, through frequency emissions within our own DNA, the sexual act devoid of love. This serves as a means of both control and nourishment for these beings. Your raw sexual energy gets fed back to collecting mechanisms within your DNA that then create a feedback circuit within the DNA that cements this mechanism further into place.

These beings have been doing this for many thousands of years and used sex slaves in ancient Sumeria, Babylon, Lebanon, the Sinai, Egypt and the Middle East amongst other places to ‘farm’ this energy for them. And this is still going on today on earth, most notably in the USA. Many porn stars today are replaying these roles [possessed by entities working/feeding through them] , and tens of millions of men and women are hooking into this energy every minute, voluntarily giving away their life force and taking themselves deeper into a vibrational black hole to unconsciously feed those who would call themselves our ‘creators.’ Nothing is further from the truth.

Many men and women do experience this membrane 4D cage around the DNA. It is like a dome that prevents humans from moving beyond it into Divine Love. Every time a human being, who still has this DNA cage and particular sexual device in place, experiences an orgasm, the power of this orgasmic energy can be harvested and used to feed the DNA of the reptilian beings who engineered it into the DNA of the human form.

Not every human has this sexual siphoning device in place, but many do. But those who do are genetically wired, BY GOD, for sexuality to be a big part of their pathway to Divine Love and God. So it is a blessing for you that these ‘other’ beings saw that potential in you as a confirmation, and see that you are worthwhile for harvesting. Whilst this is quite sick, surely now you have the motivation to free yourself from it and use your pure sexual energy, harnessed with love, to propel your soul’s growth.

No one is a victim. You had a hole, a pain, a wound, you did not want to feel or embrace. Then you chose to substitute Divine Love for a pale imitation. You were tempted to stay on the surface of your emotions and fears by promises and seductions that played to your sense of wishing to avoid the pain of powerlessness, hopelessness, terror and other emotions. As an emotion, which one has to feel, embrace and move through, this sexual manipulation can feel sick, shameful and distorted, and it taps into the collective field of this for all humans. It can be terrifying, and the mind may make all kinds of excuses to stop you from entering these places.

To understand, feel and release these emotions and their causes, journey into the event and moment you gave away the love energy of your sexuality in exchange for something else. Go into the moment you did this. See it, FEEL IT. Now ask WHY, what was the cause that made me trade myself, what did I not want to feel, what was I avoiding and denying? Others, be it people or spirits/entities, may have taken advantage of this.

In the distortion of our sexuality, changing it into a sentimental, physical, pornographic, fantasy driven, needy or lustful affair, know that disembodied spirits are sucking your energy away. Fantasies, sexual toys and the like, so often encouraged as ‘healthy’ by neo-tantric ‘teachers’ fail to recognize this fact, and so their students descend lower and lower into a sorry soul state, going further and further away from true Union of heart‐soul, emotions, and the divine. And who has not had sexual fantasies? It is important to see and feel these parts of you, but not to be caught in them. Just be aware now that the next time you feel inclined to fantasize, what exactly are you feeding, and what is your true desire for? You have a conscious choice now.

After experiencing sexual and energetic abuse, we can abandon God, blaming Him for not protecting us, saying, “fuck you” to God. And then we become lost, trying to fill a hole for thousands of years, alternating between being the victim of it, and then becoming the initiator of it, becoming the abuser. We replay and continue this ancient pattern within us, cutting ourselves off from God, unwilling and too scared to feel the deep pain of betrayal and abandonment. And, this is what allows for sadistic and abusive behavior, when a person is unwilling to feel his or her own deep, deep pain. On the surface, the thrill of sexual lust/abuse mixed with violence, blood lust, and control (it is all a similar frequency) is very stimulating and addictive, similar to a cocaine high. If one keeps on taking a hit of whatever they are addicted to, they never have to feel the deeply emotional, spiritual and existential pains that lie underneath the addiction. One can even become addicted to physical pain, which is a distraction from deeper emotional and spiritual pains.

The energy, power, stimulation, thrill, arousal, and excitement that comes from sexual energy (and violence and fear) is enormous. It is an extremely addictive drug sensation, destructive to the soul as it has no love to it. It is such a huge energy source for most people that if they were to cut it off they would feel half alive. The energy of control inherent within this is actually our own fear of becoming powerless and helpless, which is what we must all feel to initiate this breaking of the pattern within us because it is the causal emotion of why we reached out to these other entities in the first place. So there is our personal responsibility and a collective one as well.

The enormous magnitude of the power of sexuality is because of its true potential as an engine to become closer to God, once it is healed and connected to human love and the soul’s deep feelings. The distortions around it are a result of core causal wounds: the split of sexuality from the heart, the veiling of the true potential and power of the womb and the lingam, the split of the heart from the soul, and the split of masculine and feminine.

This has all been encouraged by these reptilian races. We were not created like this, the sorry state we have fallen into today. This is important to know. We are God’s perfect creation, and we have created veils, through our own choices as well as the choices of the collective to experiencing this.

The only energy source that is more compelling than these distorted and genetically modified aberrations is sourcing one’s energy directly from God, Divine Love and the energy that flows when sexuality is healed and integrated with the heart and God in Union. Most people have not experienced this, and think they are just a fantasy or a far away mythical dream. They are not. They are who we are in Truth and what we have been divinely designed to enjoy.

If we are not sourcing this energy from our soul, the Soul of Father‐ Mother God, the Sun and Gaia, we are feeding off other humans or off human distortions. Anytime we “need” another (or are dependent on another) this means we are feeding off them, which is humbling to realize. When we recognize ourselves doing this, it may come with feelings of shame, sadness, and even disgust. But the disgust or rejection of these patterns only helps to cement them in place.

These distorted patterns must be seen and embraced. We only choose these actions and belief patterns in our ignorance, blindness and emotional neediness stemming from our wounds. Once the wounds are seen and felt they can dissolve and heal back into our original sexual innocence.

Love is the death of this wounded mindset and distortion, and the control this has on present day humanity. Sexuality + love in orgasm in prayer is one of the most powerful forces in the universe, powerful enough to move even the Galactic Centre. This is not a myth. Loving emotion combined with our precious human sexuality and soul, in alliance with the true God of Love, Creator of all universes, can create a wave that will help dismantle and dissolve the control and fear mechanisms within us.”

~ Padma Aon, Sacred Wounds

“A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting conversation with a friend. She shared with me that, while she was currently in a psychological place where many of the old patterns and ‘pain body’ suffering programs had disappeared (or at least were not bothering her anymore), this one particular problem still persisted, and she could feel that literally, nothing could make it go away. She just felt this weird hum in her navel that drained her energy and seemed to keep certain programs in place. She kept having this sensation of feeling very sexual, but it was overwhelming, and she didn’t know how to channel this energy in a constructive way. Intuitively, she felt that something else was going on.

She went to see a psychic healer who scanned her aura and detected an alien etheric implant in the area of her navel/second chakra. The psychic told her that this implant has been put into her at a young age, during a moment of trauma. She said the strong sexual feelings she experienced were actually a distraction, and that it was not about seeing it from the perspective of sexual ‘groin’ energy and working with it from that perspective. This implant was usurping her creative sexual energy (kundalini) in order to block her from manifesting her potential and, essentially, denying her access to her “mission”. This is exactly what she experienced in her life: a blockage, a feeling of being stuck. Sexual energy is creative energy at the end of the day, and it is seated/produced in the second chakra, the place where the implant was found.

The psychic healer then removed the implant. The woman felt better right away, and the sensation in her navel region was gone. However, the psychic also told her to keep taking care of it. Just like in physical surgery, the removal of etheric implants or attachments creates a “wound” and has its own healing process. She also recently realized – through her own intuition and feedback from the psychic – that she’s a “wanderer” or “star seed”, incarnated in this particular time with a specific mission profile. She remembered the time when this implant was possibly attached to her as a young child going through some traumatic events in her life. This also confirms that “wanderers” or “lightworkers” are prime targets of these hyperdimensional forces because they are a threat to their manipulation agenda, and these sensitive people also have difficulty adjusting to the 3D vibration of physical life. All of this is explored further in this blog.

The possibility of having an etheric implant – one that can create all kinds of emotions or “sexual” feelings that actually distract the victim from the real issues, and sucks away their creative energy at the same time – puts the whole topic of sexuality and cravings into question, which is a huge subject of its own. Most of us never question why we feel what we feel, and just tend to act on it (“I’m just horny and very sexual”), when in fact we may be animated at times by external forces via implants or entities who feed off of that kind of energy.”

– from INDIVIDUALITY, EMBODIMENT, AND THE ANCHORING OF A HIGHER FREQUENCY by Bernhard Guenther

Holy Church of the Gaslighter

Ross Rosenberg left a video link on my FB page today. I had not met him before, yet he quickly turned me into a fan of his work. He gets it.

I especially like this video he posted, because I have experienced it with family members.  So spot on.

When Children Leave Their Parents

NPR radio show that sheds the light on a silent epidemic.

Description: Dr. Joshua Coleman, our guest this hour say’s there are a number of factors that contribute to family estrangements including divorce, selfishness and even technology. He’ll join host John Munson to explore the issue and talk about a growing trend that’s just heartbreaking.  When children tell parents they don’t want them in their lives anymore.

http://www.wpr.org/listen/704886

Public Survey

How many of you are interested in a weekly web series on sociopathy? The episodes will be chock-full of information and offer interviews with experts and leaders in the field of sociopathy and other topics that are interesting, compelling and aid in the recovery process. Would you pay a small monthly fee to get a different take on the subject?

Please email me to let me know you are interested and to offer topics you are interested in. marion@sociopathicstyle.com 

Partake in the online survey, if you wish.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/NB7T8Z3

-Marion

Malignant Narcissism & Alternative Facts

Malignant narcissism is playing a big role in politics these days. Regardless of which side you’re on, it’s beneficial for all of us that main stream media is educating the masses about malignant narcissism and its affects on society.  Millions of people around the world are shaken up by the abrupt and merciless actions taken by our current POTUS, not only because his actions were unapproved and violated our constitution, but he also did not abide by the rules and norms of society word-wide, like most good leaders would.  He quickly dismantled policies that were good for all Americans, like our environment, for example, and national park lands that are considered sacred. Instead, he pushed policies that would make our national parks victim to mining and oil drilling. He has dismissed rational discussions with anyone who opposes him, and is quick to call opponents his enemies. That includes the fair press,  the people of the United States, leaders and citizens of other nations.

When someone acts hastily and pushes hard on people, there are usually dangerous plans lurking beneath the surface. Narcissists and sociopaths do not weigh the consequences. They want things done yesterday and, by God, they will get them done no matter what’s at stake. Another point I will make is that they will lie and call everyone else liars so they can easily vet those foolish people who will believe them, no matter what they do. Trump, himself, has said, “”I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, okay, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay?”

Those hard-core folks that will continue to stay on board with a malignant narcissist will eventually see that they were duped. It will be hard on them,  and they won’t know what hit them. Someday, something will click and they will see the light.  I believe, like in all relationships with a narcissist, there will be pain. The pain of having been so naive to believe in someone who did not care one iota about their well-being. I believe, our country will experience massive, collective PTSD.

However,  eventually, it will make us reach higher and we won’t allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by our so-called leaders. All our fears and antiquated belief systems have to crumble somehow, and what better way than through someone who has a frozen inner core?

Written by Marion Trent
https://www.SociopathicStyle.com

 

Is Sociopathy on the Rise?

My recent survey, taken by 100 people, has revealed the following:

Q: Do you think that sociopathy is on the rise?
1) YES: 85%
2) NO: 3%
3) NOT SURE: 10%
4) SKIPPED the question: 2%

Q: Where do you think sociopathy is most prevalent?
1) WORLD AFFAIRS: 7%
2) POLITICS: 28%
3) WORK PLACE: 8%
4) COMMUNITY: 1%
5) PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS: 34%
6) OTHER (Every response said ALL OF THE ABOVE): 21%

Apparently, the majority feels the same. Sociopathy is on the rise. I had the idea to form a weekly or monthly study group online, that anyone could attend from anywhere in the world. It would offer private video access for a nominal fee. I would invite guests, now and again, who are experts in the field to share their work, in addition to my own work. Please offer your feedback about the idea via email: marion@sociopathicstyle.com

Thank you,
Marion Trent

How To Make Yourself A Better Person

Alan Wilson Watts (6 January 1915 – 16 November 1973) was a British-born American philosopher, writer, and speaker, best known as an interpreter and populariser of Eastern philosophy for a Western audience. Born in Chislehurst, England, he moved to the United States in 1938 and began Zen training in New York. Pursuing a career, he attended Seabury-Western Theological Seminary, where he received a master’s degree in theology. Watts became an Episcopal priest in 1945, then left the ministry in 1950 and moved to California, where he joined the faculty of the American Academy of Asian Studies.

PART II:

 

Is Your Life A Journey?

Check out this video by Alan Watts. I have known this message, what seems like, all of my life. However, I have not heard it articulated this way before. I believe, that the most successful souls can be measured by how well they can see through the illusions that are continually thrust upon us, and by how well they have dropped the ego to expand their Light (Consciousness) and grow in Love, all the while knowing that we are ONE and that we take formulas (paths), ourselves and others WAY too seriously.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” -Rumi

Things You Can Do If You’re Estranged From Your Adult Child

If your adult child has cut you out of his or her life—whether for a long or short time—it is a gut-wrenching experience, provoking deep feelings of shame, guilt, bewilderment, and hurt, all of which can easily turn to anger. On top of that, it can also arouse people’s worst suspicions (surely, the Smiths must be terrible parents for their daughter to cut them off like that!) and leave you feeling judged, even by friends and family.

Sometimes, of course, there are circumstances in which cutting off from a parent is the only viable option for an adult child (age 18 and older), for instance, in the case of past or present physical, emotional or sexual abuse from a parent.

Many times, however, estranged parents are left in the dark trying to figure out what went wrong. And while it’s common to pin the reason for the estrangement on everything from money issues, to personality conflicts, to divorce or difficult family dynamics, when you are in the dark, the easiest target to hit is yourself—to believe that you “failed” as a parent.

But here’s the reality: you didn’t cause the relationship to be severed; it was not your choice. Although you may have contributed to the tensions between you, you are not responsible for your child’s choice to cut you off.

Shutting a person out is a response to anxiety and fusion. Your actions or lack of action didn’t cause this. Cutting off is a way people manage anxiety when they don’t know a better way. The love and caring is there; the ability to solve differences is not.
Many adult children struggle with their parents, or with money issues, etc., but not all of them cut ties with their parents. Why do some cut off while others go through similar struggles and stay connected?

The Flight Response: Why Some Kids Distance Themselves

We humans manage stress in pretty predictable ways. We have a “fight or flight” response just like other species. And some people are more prone to distancing (flight) when emotional intensity gets high.

Let’s take Joe, for example. Joe was living at home after college, and his parents felt he was aimless. He would sleep in late, not help around the house, wouldn’t get a steady job, and was rude and disrespectful. Joe’s parents were understandably concerned and anxious about his lack of direction. They would nag, yell, and question him daily as to his game plan. He would be vague or get nasty, which caused his parents to get on his back even more. Eventually, Joe moved out. He didn’t tell his parents where he moved and didn’t contact them for over a year.

Related: Is your child rude and disrespectful? Refuse to be abused.

To understand Joe’s response, we have to recognize that when some people feel anxious, tired of conflict or pressure, or too much of the sticky family “togetherness” called fusion, their response is to distance themselves, be it emotionally, physically or both. When a person distances from others, they feel a sense of relief because the distance seemingly brings the conflict to an end. Of course, nothing is actually resolved; instead, more stress is generated.

On the outside, it looks as though Joe and his parents are disconnected. But on the inside, they are actually thinking about each other all the time and remain overly focused on one another. They are, in fact, still extremely involved with one another: they are emotionally bound up together, even though all communication has ceased. Neither is free from the original problem; nor are they free from each other.

Extreme Distancing: Cutting Off

Distancing, at its extreme, turns to cutting off. It can occur after long periods of conflict or as a sudden reaction to a difficult encounter. Whatever the issue, the person doing the cutting off has difficulty addressing and resolving the problem directly and maturely. Instead, like Joe, they stop communicating. Continuing the relationship seems unmanageable to them.

When a parent and child are enmeshed (too emotionally bound up with each other), they are more susceptible to cutting off when anxiety is high. Joe and his parents, for instance, were overly involved and entangled with each other. He was not taking responsibility for himself, nor were his parents taking responsibility for themselves. His parents did not stand up and let him know what they would and wouldn’t accept. Instead they nagged, begged and hoped he would change. He dug his heels in deeper, did less when pushed, and refused to address his part of the problem. They were living in reaction to one another, rather than each taking responsibility for their part of the family “dance.” The only way that Joe could see to get out of this tight tangle was to distance and cut-off from his parents; he didn’t have the skills necessary to untie the knots, to grow up and face himself.

Parents feel powerless when no contact is possible; when they can’t negotiate or even talk with their child. Should you contact your child or not? How long should you try? What should you say?

If you’re in this difficult position, here are five things you can do.

Don’t go at this alone. Get support. Being cut off by your child, with no ability to understand, communicate and resolve things, is difficult enough. That’s why being connected to others who love and understand you is particularly important. In addition to reaching out to friends and family, consider joining a support group. If you are not able to function at your best, get some professional help.
Don’t cut off in response. You are not the one cutting ties; your child is. Don’t cut off your child in response. Continue to reach out to him, letting him know that you love him and that you want to mend whatever has broken. Send birthday and holiday messages as well as occasional brief notes or emails. Simply say that you are thinking about him and hope to have the opportunity to reconnect. Send your warmth, love, and compassion—as you get on with your life.

Step back, look and don’t feed the anger. It’s understandable to feel angry. And in their attempt to be supportive, friends and family may fuel your feelings of betrayal, inadvertently increasing your anger. Anger is natural, but not helpful. Step back and try to understand what led to this estrangement. What patterns were operating in your family dance? If you can look at your family from a more factual vantage point, it may feel less personal. No one is to blame. Now if the door opens, you will be in a much better position to reconcile.

If the door opens, listen to your child without defending yourself. Listen with an open heart. Listen to her perceptions of what wrongs took place. Even if you disagree with her, look for the grains of truth. Be willing to look at yourself. It’s hard to hear these criticisms, especially if your intentions were misunderstood. So prepare yourself to handle this. Your adult child may need to hold on to blame as a way to manage her own anxiety. Just letting her know that you hear her will go a long way. Keep in mind that she, too, had to be in tremendous pain to reach the point of shutting you out. Try to empathize with her pain rather than get caught up in the hurt and anger.

Focus on yourself, not your child. If you do begin communicating again, you will be in a position to learn from the mistakes of the past and work toward an improved relationship. Put your efforts into changing yourself, not your child. Let go of your resentments regarding the estrangement. Understand his need to flee…and forgive him. Get to know the adult child you have, not the child you think he should have been. Allow him to get to know you.

If your child still has made no contact, grieve the loss and know there is still hope. Try to manage your anxiety, and do the right thing by staying in touch with him in a non-intrusive way: occasionally and lovingly. Things may change. Rather than blame yourself or your child for this pain, use your energy to learn about yourself, your own family history and patterns in your other relationships. Look for other patterns of cutting off in your family tree.

Remember that shutting a person out is a response to anxiety and fusion. Your actions or lack of action didn’t cause this. Cutting off is a way people manage anxiety when they don’t know a better way. The love and caring is there; the ability to solve differences is not. You did not cause your child to turn away. That was her decision. It may have been a poor one, but it was the best she could do at the time. Try to get your focus off of her at least 50 percent of the day, which will make a difference.

Your pain is real. Be mindful and compassionate of it, but don’t allow it to define or overwhelm you. Put the focus on what you have control over:  your own life.

SOURCE: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/estranged-from-your-adult-child-5-things-you-can-do/